You know what you want to say. You’ve been composing it in your head for three days. The problem is that every version either sounds too angry, too pathetic, or too poetic for someone who definitely doesn’t deserve poetry.
That’s exactly why we built The Breakup Bureau.
What It Is
You tell the AI the situation — who they are, what happened, how long it’s been, what you actually want to communicate. It writes you three breakup texts:
- The Dignified Version — clear, kind, final. The one that makes you look like the bigger person. The one you’ll be proud of in six months.
- The Scorched Earth Version — everything you actually want to say, said with precision. Not cruel. Just honest in a way that leaves no ambiguity.
- The Confusing Poetry Version — abstract, beautiful, and completely unhinged. They will not know what hit them. They will think about it for years.
You pick which one to send. Or you don’t send any of them. Sometimes just having the options is enough.
Who This Is Actually For
Obviously it’s for people going through a breakup. But we’ve also seen it used for:
- Ending a friendship that’s run its course
- Firing a client professionally
- Cutting off a family member who’s been too much
- Quitting a job with exactly the right amount of dignity
- People who are not currently breaking up with anyone but enjoy the creative exercise
The AI doesn’t judge the situation. It just writes the texts.
Why the Scorched Earth Version Keeps Getting Forwarded
People send the scorched earth version to friends who are also going through something. It becomes a shared artifact. “Look what the AI wrote for me.” Then the friend orders one for their situation. Then they send it to someone else.
It’s the most forwarded product in the Brain Lab. By a significant margin.
Get Yours
The Breakup Bureau is $5 at goodfoodgoodfeels.com/brain-lab. You describe the situation, the AI writes three versions, you choose your path.
Also at the Brain Lab: Pet Whisperer, Roast My Pic, Quantum Horoscope, Evil Twin Report, Compliment Engine, and Excuse Engine Pro — all $5, all instant delivery.
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